I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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