i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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