how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
