I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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