Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
