he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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