I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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