im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
