I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
