hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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