so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
