My cat gives me a boner
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize