somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she told me i tasted like america
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
