Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
