um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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