Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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