I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize