I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
