Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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