If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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