It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
