I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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