He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
