I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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