i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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