So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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