I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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