I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
