my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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