I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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