i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
