like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
