I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
