Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
