Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
