The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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