So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
