everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this beer tastes like vomit already
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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