I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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