Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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