Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize