So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
