Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
