I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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