my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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