my phone needs a breathalizer
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
