If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
