remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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