i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
