It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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