I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
