I think my fart just growled at me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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