Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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