I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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