i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
