I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
