More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
