Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
