I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
