You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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