If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
