youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
