see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
